tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
