can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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