the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
