well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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