it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
