My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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