I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
