if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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