I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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