there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
