Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
