I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
