my sisters under your porch take her home
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
