She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
