haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
