Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
