The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
