I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
