My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
