Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
