yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
