Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
