i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
