I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
