I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
