I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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