you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
