What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
