Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
