I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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