Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
