Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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