My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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