You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
