You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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