Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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