**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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