im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
