stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
