This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
How naked do you want me to be?
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