Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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