i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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