either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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