Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
