My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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