he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
