The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
