I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
