speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
