Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
