He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
